Misty is in white
Where I’ve Been
I grew up a tiny little thing. I was skinny — bones showing skinny. One year, I remember being sick with what they ended up diagnosing as a stomach ulcer. Several times at the doctor’s office I heard similar questions: Do you skip meals during the day? How many meals do you eat? Do you ever throw up after you eat? What does a typical meal look like? I couldn’t figure out why they were always asking me things like that. I had a very healthy appetite, and I was incredibly active but just couldn’t seem to gain weight or even get the muscle tone I was looking for as a cheerleader. To them, I looked unhealthy. To me I looked like myself, and there was nothing I could do about it. No one ever taught me about eating healthy. We didn’t have much money, and we just ate whatever we could afford. If it wasn’t fried, it came from a box. I just assumed people gained weight from eating too much rather than from eating unhealthy.
Once college hit, I was no longer cheering and no longer as active. So I went back to my old eating habits. All while going from class to class and coming back to my dorm to sleep. I had no energy. I gained almost half of the total weight I left high school with, and that’s where I stopped weighing myself. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. In fact, I avoided it altogether, and I hated having to choose what to wear because nothing fit. I found myself wearing sweats and a T-shirt every day of the week. Usually I wore whatever I slept in the night before. I didn’t care anymore. Then, I went into a serious depression. I tried whatever I could in college. I tried not eating anything, and I tried throwing up after eating, but nothing worked. I was being controlled by food. It had become an addiction. I hated myself. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and see anything but an ugly, unhealthy person who was spiraling downward fast.
Once I graduated college, I began cooking my own meals paying attention to the types of food I was eating. Our new home had a swimming pool that I lived in all summer long. After 1 full year, I noticed that my pants were not fitting. Had they stretched because I wore them so much? So I decided to pull out the dusty scale. I hadn’t weighed myself in years. Once I stepped on, I thought it must have been broken. The numbers were showing that I had lost more than half of the weight I had gained. How did that make sense? I saw the numbers on the scale, and I felt the pants falling off of me, but that’s not what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Instead, I still saw a depressed and very overweight person. It took years for me to realize it was the addiction that was clouding my view. I couldn’t see myself the same as what others saw. I saw what the food addiction and depression were allowing me to see. It was as if I were looking through a fun house mirror.
Where I Am Now
Because of the struggle with weight, I lived in fear of gaining it all back, so it was several years after being married that I allowed myself to have the desire to have a baby. I had always wanted kids, but the thought of going back to that place was too much for me. I did well with the first pregnancy, but the second left me with a lot of extra weight that I just couldn’t get rid of. I had again become uncomfortable in my own skin.
In December 2011, I decided to join a gym. I made new friends who helped keep me accountable in my fitness, and I actually became a fitness instructor and coach myself. I coach differently than most because I don’t focus on weight and calories. For someone who has struggled in the past with feelings of inadequacy, extremely low self-esteem, the need to be perfect in order to be good enough, and struggled with food addictions, it’s sometimes hard to stop these feelings from returning. I learned that counting calories and stepping on a scale quickly bring those issues back to me, and I don’t always know what struggles those I coach have gone through. There are other ways to get healthy.
I sometimes find myself feeling some of those same emotions because of the different reactions I’ve gotten from loved ones.
For the first time in my life I am exercising and focusing on my health. Yes, I was very active in high school as a cheerleader, but I never was one to go out and “exercise.” I didn’t even step foot in a gym until college when I took a kinesiology class, and that was only because I had to. Once I started really exercising, my metabolism went crazy again just like when I was younger. I know I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been. If you see me in person you can see even my bones are tiny. My fingers are tiny. My little fingernails look like someone in elementary school. It’s the way God created me. If I’m living to please others, this is proof that I can’t win. I’m thankful I don’t struggle the way I used to, but boy is it hard when I hear such negative comments from my loved ones. When I was younger up until a few years ago I looked for the approval of others to tell me how I looked, what I should wear, and what activities I should enjoy doing. Today I find my identity in Christ. I don’t struggle with my self-esteem because I came to the understanding that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made by the only one who knows what beauty and perfection are. I’m living for an audience of one, so if someone doesn’t like me for who I am, there’s nothing I can do about it, and there’s no reason I should feel I have to do anything about it. I don’t struggle with food anymore. I don’t count calories or weigh myself. I don’t even own a scale.
Where I’m Going
I know I was placed here to encourage others and help them to find their identity in Christ rather than in others. I’ve worked in many areas of ministry, and right now God has placed me in the middle of the health and fitness world. It’s a place I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be. I have watched women walk into my class feeling inadequate, standing at the back with one foot out the door. They didn’t want to be noticed. I have watched those same women now come to the gym 30-45 minutes before class even starts just so they can get a spot in the front. My favorite thing about that – they start smiling and adding their own style to the moves, and they’re truly having fun! When they walked in for the first time, they didn’t want to be noticed. They didn’t want any attention on themselves. Now, they have confidence and are no longer worried about what others in class think about them. And I understand it because I was that same woman. I’m telling my story to anyone who will listen because I want everyone to have confidence. I don’t want to see anyone struggle with their image. I’m telling you. You are beautiful and perfectly made. Keep your body healthy, but don’t do it for others. Do it because you were created with a plan in mind, and if you lack confidence in yourself, you will struggle to live out that plan. The only weapon the enemy has against you is the ability to lie to you in a way you might just believe it. One of his favorite lies is that you are “less than.” He will tell you all the reasons you can’t do what you were created to do, and your confidence will diminish. Don’t allow it. Hold your head up high knowing you have flaws but at the same time, you were created to perfection. You were equipped to serve a purpose, and God would never call you to that purpose if you weren’t capable of doing it. Whether it’s in your journey to become healthier and physically fit or anything else under the sun, remember your audience only consists of one, and be confident that he created you to do amazing things.
I grew up a tiny little thing. I was skinny — bones showing skinny. One year, I remember being sick with what they ended up diagnosing as a stomach ulcer. Several times at the doctor’s office I heard similar questions: Do you skip meals during the day? How many meals do you eat? Do you ever throw up after you eat? What does a typical meal look like? I couldn’t figure out why they were always asking me things like that. I had a very healthy appetite, and I was incredibly active but just couldn’t seem to gain weight or even get the muscle tone I was looking for as a cheerleader. To them, I looked unhealthy. To me I looked like myself, and there was nothing I could do about it. No one ever taught me about eating healthy. We didn’t have much money, and we just ate whatever we could afford. If it wasn’t fried, it came from a box. I just assumed people gained weight from eating too much rather than from eating unhealthy.
Once college hit, I was no longer cheering and no longer as active. So I went back to my old eating habits. All while going from class to class and coming back to my dorm to sleep. I had no energy. I gained almost half of the total weight I left high school with, and that’s where I stopped weighing myself. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. In fact, I avoided it altogether, and I hated having to choose what to wear because nothing fit. I found myself wearing sweats and a T-shirt every day of the week. Usually I wore whatever I slept in the night before. I didn’t care anymore. Then, I went into a serious depression. I tried whatever I could in college. I tried not eating anything, and I tried throwing up after eating, but nothing worked. I was being controlled by food. It had become an addiction. I hated myself. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror and see anything but an ugly, unhealthy person who was spiraling downward fast.
Once I graduated college, I began cooking my own meals paying attention to the types of food I was eating. Our new home had a swimming pool that I lived in all summer long. After 1 full year, I noticed that my pants were not fitting. Had they stretched because I wore them so much? So I decided to pull out the dusty scale. I hadn’t weighed myself in years. Once I stepped on, I thought it must have been broken. The numbers were showing that I had lost more than half of the weight I had gained. How did that make sense? I saw the numbers on the scale, and I felt the pants falling off of me, but that’s not what I saw when I looked in the mirror. Instead, I still saw a depressed and very overweight person. It took years for me to realize it was the addiction that was clouding my view. I couldn’t see myself the same as what others saw. I saw what the food addiction and depression were allowing me to see. It was as if I were looking through a fun house mirror.
Where I Am Now
Because of the struggle with weight, I lived in fear of gaining it all back, so it was several years after being married that I allowed myself to have the desire to have a baby. I had always wanted kids, but the thought of going back to that place was too much for me. I did well with the first pregnancy, but the second left me with a lot of extra weight that I just couldn’t get rid of. I had again become uncomfortable in my own skin.
In December 2011, I decided to join a gym. I made new friends who helped keep me accountable in my fitness, and I actually became a fitness instructor and coach myself. I coach differently than most because I don’t focus on weight and calories. For someone who has struggled in the past with feelings of inadequacy, extremely low self-esteem, the need to be perfect in order to be good enough, and struggled with food addictions, it’s sometimes hard to stop these feelings from returning. I learned that counting calories and stepping on a scale quickly bring those issues back to me, and I don’t always know what struggles those I coach have gone through. There are other ways to get healthy.
I sometimes find myself feeling some of those same emotions because of the different reactions I’ve gotten from loved ones.
For the first time in my life I am exercising and focusing on my health. Yes, I was very active in high school as a cheerleader, but I never was one to go out and “exercise.” I didn’t even step foot in a gym until college when I took a kinesiology class, and that was only because I had to. Once I started really exercising, my metabolism went crazy again just like when I was younger. I know I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been. If you see me in person you can see even my bones are tiny. My fingers are tiny. My little fingernails look like someone in elementary school. It’s the way God created me. If I’m living to please others, this is proof that I can’t win. I’m thankful I don’t struggle the way I used to, but boy is it hard when I hear such negative comments from my loved ones. When I was younger up until a few years ago I looked for the approval of others to tell me how I looked, what I should wear, and what activities I should enjoy doing. Today I find my identity in Christ. I don’t struggle with my self-esteem because I came to the understanding that I’m fearfully and wonderfully made by the only one who knows what beauty and perfection are. I’m living for an audience of one, so if someone doesn’t like me for who I am, there’s nothing I can do about it, and there’s no reason I should feel I have to do anything about it. I don’t struggle with food anymore. I don’t count calories or weigh myself. I don’t even own a scale.
Where I’m Going
I know I was placed here to encourage others and help them to find their identity in Christ rather than in others. I’ve worked in many areas of ministry, and right now God has placed me in the middle of the health and fitness world. It’s a place I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be. I have watched women walk into my class feeling inadequate, standing at the back with one foot out the door. They didn’t want to be noticed. I have watched those same women now come to the gym 30-45 minutes before class even starts just so they can get a spot in the front. My favorite thing about that – they start smiling and adding their own style to the moves, and they’re truly having fun! When they walked in for the first time, they didn’t want to be noticed. They didn’t want any attention on themselves. Now, they have confidence and are no longer worried about what others in class think about them. And I understand it because I was that same woman. I’m telling my story to anyone who will listen because I want everyone to have confidence. I don’t want to see anyone struggle with their image. I’m telling you. You are beautiful and perfectly made. Keep your body healthy, but don’t do it for others. Do it because you were created with a plan in mind, and if you lack confidence in yourself, you will struggle to live out that plan. The only weapon the enemy has against you is the ability to lie to you in a way you might just believe it. One of his favorite lies is that you are “less than.” He will tell you all the reasons you can’t do what you were created to do, and your confidence will diminish. Don’t allow it. Hold your head up high knowing you have flaws but at the same time, you were created to perfection. You were equipped to serve a purpose, and God would never call you to that purpose if you weren’t capable of doing it. Whether it’s in your journey to become healthier and physically fit or anything else under the sun, remember your audience only consists of one, and be confident that he created you to do amazing things.
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